16th September.
There I was surrounded by colors, textures, diamonds... all that a woman would wear during a festive occassion... trying to hold a glass in my hand, having baseless conversations with the people around.
I knew a bit of you and you knew a bit of me. Where it began? It was you, not me.... and I knew this was as breezy as we expected it to be. I still thought that on the day my face earned a scar for itself.
Glass one - I was fine.
Glass two - I was still fine. Making conversations with everyone. Happy. But you were on my mind, constantly. The fact that we hadn't spoken properly the previous two days got me thinking. And I thought more about it as I drew myself to my third glass.
Glass three - I was still fine. Lifted my phone. Told you where I was. You said you were coming. I smiled. I really did. And I wanted that half hour to diminish that very moment. It didn't, but I stayed on coz' I knew I was getting to see you. Was tired of just hearing you, spotting you on print, posters, big screen, small screen.... and now it was live.All I had to do was wait. And I did. Happiness filled till my spine. Why? I didn't know. Did I like you or what? I shall answer this later. Then why crave for you? I don't seem to know! Do you?
Ended with glass three. The bar shut. I walked to the rest room, checked myself out. I looked like a moving image that had just got a soft blur through photoshop. Never mind, that's me for the moment. Now get out. Walk it to the car. I did, a wobbly walk that got people thinking I'm high - which I was. But not as much as it created the reason for the climax. Responsible people offered to drop me back home responsibly, but I declined. They say, today, that I threw up a fuss at the lobby, but I don't quite remember. Never mind.
I get into my car, I'm fine you know? Really. I spot you, you spot me. I drive down, take a left. I remember all that. I get into your car. I can see that image running thru' my eyes even now. That grey shirt, your glasses, the hair band on your head which I hated, cz it ruined your charismatic looks. I don't know what I said, but I know for a fact I DID NOTHING.I was fine. So were you. I remember asking you to take me for a drive and you did. You had no clue how drunk I was. I didn't know it either. The responsible man that you are, you drove to the nearest store and got me water. You wanted me to be less drunk and I was too drunk to realize that. A responsible man. The first time I felt "that" something. You walked in and out. I remember sipping that water. And I remember you sipping into the bottle after I did....
It was dark, but there was light flashing from the atm across and the store behind. The smell of petroleum mingled with the smell of my perfume inside the car. And then, it happened. I don't remember how. Did I or did you? But I know it happened. All of a sudden. We were closer. We kissed. Again, did I or did you? I can't remember the initiation. I know you said I smelt good and I gave away my classic answer... "which I always do!" I remember you saying other things that I don't want to say here, but I still remember it. Hands traveled a little distance, physical proximity got lesser... wow... I felt "that". And I remember saying it. I said it when you pushed me away. I said I Love You. And I think I did. Hard to believe? Too bad. I'm not here to convince, but I did. When I said it, I meant it. I wanted to go elsewhere, but no, you wouldn't. And how funny? You called that place the safest place to be in? I mean, a fuel station? Where people walk in and out? You must be joking! But my words didn't come out clear, so I decided to stay quiet. I was high. The closer we got, I remember noticing the crystal beads on your neck. I remember asking you to take off that wanne-be hair band; and how sweet - you did! The second time I felt "that".
You were done with. You just wanted to leave.
You drove me back to my car. I'm a fool. I'm all that you could find to swear for that moment. I was difficult. Impossible. I wouldn't get out. Why? I needed you.
I still remember those words - Please go. Please. Followed by a bit of irritation. You called out my name, fully. I loved it. I remember seeing those beautiful eyes of yours through your glasses. And I must say.. you have the most beautiful eyes any man can have! I still wouldn't get out. You plead. You are irritated. I still wouldn't get out.
I remember hearing - Please. Paranoia. Cops.
I remember hearing Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Naa.
I remember you switching it off when I said I love that music. You just wanted me out of your car. God save you. From me. From a lot of trouble. But did he, honey?
The responsible man again, you decide to follow me home. I'm confident. I've done this before, many times. I don't need someone to follow me home when I'm driving... so what if I'm drunk? I just said I've done this before, didn't I?
I'm drunk. I know my high elevated after I kissed you. It happens. Understandable. Live with it C! That's the truth!
We drive, in our respective cars. Both small round cars, just like us. We enter that road. The most expensive and highly political area in the city. What an ironic place to be in. I zoom through the well laid roads, bump up the speed breaker. You're on the phone with me, begging me to hang up, I didn't. What an over-confident fool.
They say... All good things and bad things need only a second to determine the good or bad. That's exactly what happened. Here, in my case, it was bad.
BANG!
Past midnight. Car smashed. A woman stuck in the car. Bright blue becomes red. Blood all over. 1 minute. Later.
My hero arrives.
Rolly Polly.
Rescue.
Opens car door. Doesn't work. Calls out for help. No one comes. Panic. Fights with security guards.
I remember all of it. All of it. I remember you being recognized. I remember you running the risk of being recognized. I remember you facing all the embarrassment and still stood there to save me and my life.
You saw me bleed. You ran here and there trying to get the situation under control. You did. You WIPED the blood off my face, nose, neck. I knew it then! Right then. I fell in Love. And listen to me now you fool - I Love You. And ever since then, it's progressed at a pace leukemia does. White blood cells eat up the red blood cells. My white blood cells is called Love and I am the red blood cells. Bitten! Now it's cancer. Not curable. And I'm learning how to deal with it, honey! In your absence, that too.
I could hardly stand. You pulled me out of the car, dragged my back pack and drove me home. Oh boy, where do I live? You didn't know and three drinks down, I didn't know either.
I remember bleeding all the way in your car. Thanks to the tissue box that saved your shirt! I knew you had taken directions to get to my place from this double-scooped-sweet friend of mine. A doll, just like you!
Home. Brakes. Stop. I look at you. Now I know, you must've been disgusted looking at me like that. With all that blood, the cut and my disfigured face. I wouldn't be surprised if you wanted to puke looking at me. I'm sorry. I'm nothing but sorry... certain things cannot be undone.
Second hero of the episode arrives. Just like you. A doll. My blood, not on my nose, but by birth. He arrives, is flabbergasted looking at you. And shocked looking at me. A recap of what happened.
I remember you guys having that conversation. I remember that silly boy throwing out money figures at the cost of damage. Silly... really silly.
End of the episode. You became my hero. Hero for life.
I wake up every morning. I see you in my face. The scar forever....
How wonderful could you be to do all this?
You exist no more with me. But all these does. Not just the above, but more.
So who are you?
A man? Certainly yes. A son? Yes. Husband? Never mind. A father? Never mind. Impotent? Never mind. Physically challenged? Never mind. Old? Yes, it doesn't matter anyway. Popular? Wow, I say! Rolly Polly? Attractive, I say. Lean? No problem! You look good, sound good, smell good - all that a woman would want. So what .....? I can deal with the above. All of the above. I'm 23.
***k it all.
Be mine...
Where did you go?
Where are you?
Where am I?
My scar's healing. But you exist no more.
Here I am. Do you hear me?
--
Meghana Karthik
